That's Terrible!
by Kittenmommy
Summary: A collection of truly awful jokes featuring the Doctors and various companions.


  
  
  
  
  
"That's Terrible!"  
  
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: _Doctor Who_ belongs to the BBC. The prank calls are from _The Simpsons_, which belongs to Matt Groening. The jokes aren't mine, either. Sorry. And I'm not making any money from this.  
  
  
The sixth, seventh, and eighth Doctors are trapped on a desert island together.  
After much squabbling over whose fault this whole mess is and how best to resolve it, they sit down on the beach to think. Just then, a wave washes a lamp ashore, and the sixth Doctor grabs it.  
"It's a magic lamp!" he exclaims.  
"Don't be daft," Seven replies.  
"No harm in trying to rub it," Eight says. Six does just that, and sure enough, a genie pops out.  
"All right, you know the drill," the genie tells Six. "You get three wishes."  
"That's not fair," Seven protests. "There are three of us here."   
"He rubbed the lamp," the genie says with a shrug, pointing at Six.  
"But we're all the same person, so we should each get a wish," Eight reasons. The genie looks at him like he's crazy, and Eight briefly explains regeneration to him. With a sigh, the genie agrees to grant them one wish each. Eight goes first.  
"I wish I were off of this island!" _Poof!_ Eight vanishes in a puff of smoke.  
"My turn," Seven says. "I wish I were off of this island!" _Poof!_ Seven vanishes in a puff of smoke. Six looks around dejectedly.  
"It sure is lonely here now that they've gone. I wish they'd come back!"  
_Poof! Poof!_  
  


* * *

  
During _The Dying Days_:  
  
The eighth Doctor is falling from the sky.   
As he thinks about how he's going to get out of this situation, he sees a young woman flying up towards him from the direction of the ground.  
"Excuse me," he says politely. "Do you know anything about falling from Martian space ships?"   
"No, sorry," she replies. "Do you know anything about gas grills?"  
  


* * *

  
The sixth Doctor and Peri are in Paris, admiring Notre Dame cathedral. Suddenly, a set of identical twin brothers rushes toward them.  
"Excuse us," one of them says. "It's been my fondest wish, my driving ambition all of my life to ring the bells here at Notre Dame, and today I'm finally getting my wish!"  
"And I'm here to offer moral support," his twin adds.  
"Congratulations!" the Doctor tells them, beaming brightly. The brothers thank them and hurry inside.  
When the time comes to ring the bells, the excited man accidentally slips. His face slams into one of the bells. _BONG!_ The man is stunned and falls off the roof of the famous cathedral.  
"My poor brother!" his twin laments. "All his life, he's wanted to ring the bells here and look what happened!" He sobs. "I'm going to ring the bells now for him, in his memory!" He grabs a rope, pulls down hard – _BONG!_ – and loses his grip, plummeting to his death.  
On the sidewalk outside of the cathedral, the Doctor and Peri happen upon a policeman standing over the bodies of the two hapless brothers.  
"You two," the policeman says, pointing to the Time Lord and his companion. "I saw you talking to these men." He points to the first brother. "What's his name?" The Doctor shrugs.  
"I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell!"  
"And him?" the policeman asks, pointing to the second brother.  
"Beats me," Peri replies. "But he's a dead ringer for his brother!"  
  


* * *

  
The Master is about to launch another Evil Plot, this time in Egypt. He gets everything arranged and only has to wait. However, the ziggurat he's chosen as his Secret Base is very cold at night, and presently he decides to build a fire to stay warm.  
The fifth Doctor happens along, sees the smoke, and goes inside to investigate. Sure enough, he finds the Master asleep by his fire and catches him by surprise, subduing him and tying him up with a rope.  
"I thought you were smarter than that!" the Doctor says as he drags the Master into the police box to take him back to Gallifrey for trial. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that smoking ziggurats can be hazardous to your stealth?"  
  


* * *

  
Q: What happens when you annoy a Time Lord?  
A: He gets ticked off!  
  


* * *

  
"Have you heard about the terrible incident at that supermarket in London?" the Brigadier asks the third Doctor. "A madman named Arthur Smith held the entire store at gunpoint, strangled three customers, and escaped with exactly one pound from the till!"  
"Yes," the Doctor replies. "I seem to recall reading about it in tomorrow's paper. The headline said _Artie Chokes Three for a Pound at Local Supermarket_!"  
  


* * *

  
The fourth Doctor and Romana II are shopping at a local warehouse club.  
Romana spots a case of three hundred rolls of toilet paper, and puts it into the cart.   
The Doctor sees a container of three thousand jellybabies, and adds it to their cart.  
Romana finds a ten-gallon tub of mayonnaise and puts it in the cart.  
The Doctor finds a case of fifty rolls of paper towels and adds it to their order.  
Romana picks up a box of six hundred garbage bags and throws that in too.  
"Look, Romana!" the Doctor suddenly exclaims, pointing at a sign. "It says there they give discounts on cars as well!" The Time Lady frowns.  
"Yes, but how many do you suppose you have to buy?" she asks.  
  


* * *

  
The TARDIS phone rings. The first Doctor picks it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Do you have an Oliver traveling with you?" the second Doctor's voice asks.  
"Oliver?" One asks, frowning.  
"Oliver Clothesoff!"  
"Very funny!" One says, slamming down the phone. "We'll see about this!" He picks up the phone and begins dialing.  
The TARDIS phone rings. The third Doctor picks it up.  
"Hello," One says. "I'd like to speak with a Mister Snotball. First name Eura."  
"Eura Snotball?" Three asks, puzzled.  
"How dare you!" One yells, slamming the phone down.  
"Of all the – " Three says indignantly. He thinks for a minute, and then picks up the phone and dials.  
The TARDIS phone rings. The sixth Doctor picks it up.  
"Hello?"   
"Is Amanda there?" Three asks. "Amanda Huggenkiss?"  
"Peri?" Six calls. "I need Amanda Huggenkiss!" Peri nods.  
"Yeah, I always thought so," she admits. Six's eyes open wide.  
"Why you - !" he shouts into the phone, which has gone dead. "Right!" He snatches the phone off the wall and pushes the buttons furiously.  
The TARDIS phone rings. The fourth Doctor picks it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Is Jacques there?" Six asks politely. "Jacques Strap?"  
"Hang on a moment," Four says. "Romana, is there a Jacques Strap in here?" She makes a face.  
"How would I know, Doctor?" she replies. Four's huge blue eyes widen hugely.  
"Wait a minute, wait a minute… Jacques Strap! Ha! It's a joke! Brilliant!" He hangs up the phone, thinks for a minute, and then makes a call of his own.  
The TARDIS phone rings. Seven picks it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Are you Al?" Four asks. "Al Coholic?"  
"Am I who?" Seven asks, puzzled.  
"Are you Al Coholic?" Seven finally gets it.  
"No!" he yells, slamming down the phone. He picks up the phone and dials.  
The TARDIS phone rings. The eighth Doctor picks it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Is Mister Freely there?" Seven asks.   
"Who?"  
"Freely. First initials, I.P." Seven tells him.   
"I.P. Freely?" Eight asks. Grace walks into the console room.  
"I can prescribe something for that," she tells him.   
"What?" His eyes widen, and he slams down the phone. "Hmph." He picks up the phone and dials.  
The TARDIS phone rings. The fifth Doctor answers.  
"Yes?"  
"I'm looking for a Miss O'Problem, first name Bea," Eight says.  
"I don't think… hang on, I'll check. Tegan, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?" She sniffs him critically.  
"No, Doctor. Not that I can tell." Comprehension dawns, and Five slams down the phone, rolling his eyes.  
"Honestly, kids nowadays!"  
  


* * *

  
A Yeti, a Dalek, all eight Doctors, and the Rani walk into a bar together. The bartender looks at them, frowning.  
"What is this, a joke?"  
  
  
FINIS.  
  
  



End file.
